Worried you have testicular cancer?

This image seemed strangely appropriate.

So, you have at least one testicle attached to your body, and you’re worried that you might have cancer.

For the love of Pete go and see a doctor.

I am not a doctor. In fact I doubt I’d be allowed to play one on TV, I am that poorly qualified to give advice of any kind.

So, yeah, go and see a medical professional. It’ll be embarrassing, and you will have to have your nether regions fondled by someone who doesn’t want to touch your balls any more than you want to have them touched. And it’ll be worth it. So go. Go now.

You are still here. 

Goddammit.

OK. Here is my utterly unqualified advice if you are worried you have testicular cancer and can’t, for some reason, go to a doctor right now. First of all chances are you know you should have been checking yourself regularly for lumps, and if you’re like most people, you haven’t been. You probably found your lump in the shower while you were scrubbing.

We’ll pretend you were scrubbing.

First thing to check is if the lump is attached to the testicle, it’s free floating or if it’s attached to the skin of the scrotum. If it’s attached to the scrotum it’s probably not cancer. You should still get it checked out because an infection can still cost you a ball if it goes unchecked. Same goes for if it feels like it’s floating around free in there; it’s probably not cancer. If it feels sort of like a bag of worms chances are it’s something called a varicocele1I was going to link to the Wikipedia entry on varicoceles but as it turns out there’s a champion picture of a penis on there and your boss might not understand if that’s what they see when they look over your shoulder.

You’ll notice I’m saying a lot of things like ‘chances are’ and ‘probably’. I simply don’t know about your personal situation and I am unwilling to personally handle your junk. If you have ANY abnormality at all in your nether regions (or anywhere else for that matter) please, please go get them checked. I know, doctors are expensive, but you will make very little money if you’re dead.

Now, if you give yourself a fondle and find that the lump is attached to your testicle, all bets are off and you have to beg, borrow, lie or steal your way into seeing a medical professional. It probably still isn’t cancer. But if it’s attached to the testicle itself, your lump really could be something deadly and I really don’t want you to die internet stranger. Testicular cancer is very treatable, even the weird super aggressive one I got. Even when it’s spread to other parts of you, it can still be fought.

You can’t fight if you don’t know.

 

Footnotes   [ + ]

1. I was going to link to the Wikipedia entry on varicoceles but as it turns out there’s a champion picture of a penis on there and your boss might not understand if that’s what they see when they look over your shoulder