This is Connie.
My wife found her as a tiny kitten, barely a few weeks old, inside a rag bin where she worked. She brought Connie back to our place, and she’s been a vital part of our lives ever since.
She’s also the devil.
I mean she’s actually Satan’s earthly form.
This is a short list of things she’s done in the last seventy-two hours.
- Ran across the house, hopped up onto my desk, meowed at me and then ripped off the worst cat fart in recorded history. She DESTROYED that room for forty-five minutes. This is not the first time she’s done this.
- Woken from a deep sleep in order to bite my big toe.
- Woken ME from a deep sleep to bite my other big toe.
- Bolted her food and then wailed about the lack of food in her bowl.
- Barfed in her own water bowl.
- Barfed on my foot.
- Attacked my bigger cat Harry despite the fact that he’s four times her size.
- Traumatized Harry so badly he’s now hiding in my room.
- Eaten a phone charger cord (not plugged in).
- Gotten stuck in a drawer.
- Hidden inside a hat box on top of a wardrobe for the express purpose of bursting out of it once everyone else had gone to bed.
- Leapt off the wardrobe onto me when I didn’t wake up sufficiently.
- Woke me up at 5am because breakfast.
- She woke me up by biting me on the face. Again, not the first time.
- She did that by somehow getting into what I could have sworn was a locked room. I’m making this an extra point because I’m pretty sure she broke the laws of physics to do it.
- Run up my legs and onto my shoulder when she wanted a cuddle. With her pointy, pointy claws.
- Curled up, purring, on Harry’s favorite chair. Harry again traumatized.
- Run off with the touch pen for my surface. You might think this means it went missing and I blamed her, but you’d be wrong.
- Made a concerted effort to get trapped in the freezer.
- Turned into a furry angry glove when the tummy rubs she was getting became somehow insufficient.
- Attacked my foot…while I was walking past.
- Gotten into a fight with another cat.
- Gotten into a fight with a chair.
- Gotten into a fight with her own foot. It went something like this: “What’s this thing? I must bite it!” “Aaaargh something bit me, I will kick it in the face!” “Something kicked me! Bite!”
- Hidden inside my duvet cover.
- Shed enough fur to make a second evil cat who is also the Devil.
And is now curled up into a tight ball next to the heater, purring contentedly. Apparently the true path to happiness is being an evil furry little terror.
Still, Harry is no longer traumatized.