This is Connie.

connie-being-cute

My wife found her as a tiny kitten, barely a few weeks old, inside a rag bin where she worked. She brought Connie back to our place, and she’s been a vital part of our lives ever since.

She’s also the devil.

What will eventually come to be known an exhibit A.

What will eventually come to be known an exhibit A.

 

I mean she’s actually Satan’s earthly form.

This is a short list of things she’s done in the last seventy-two hours.

  1. Ran across the house, hopped up onto my desk, meowed at me and then ripped off the worst cat fart in recorded history. She DESTROYED that room for forty-five minutes. This is not the first time she’s done this.
  2. Woken from a deep sleep in order to bite my big toe.
  3. Woken ME from a deep sleep to bite my other big toe.
  4. Bolted her food and then wailed about the lack of food in her bowl.
  5. Barfed in her own water bowl.
  6. Barfed on my foot.
  7. Attacked my bigger cat Harry despite the fact that he’s four times her size.
  8. Traumatized Harry so badly he’s now hiding in my room.
  9. Eaten a phone charger cord (not plugged in).
  10. Gotten stuck in a drawer.
  11. Hidden inside a hat box on top of a wardrobe for the express purpose of bursting out of it once everyone else had gone to bed.
  12. Leapt off the wardrobe onto me when I didn’t wake up sufficiently.
  13. Woke me up at 5am because breakfast.
  14. She woke me up by biting me on the face. Again, not the first time.
  15. She did that by somehow getting into what I could have sworn was a locked room. I’m making this an extra point because I’m pretty sure she broke the laws of physics to do it.
  16. Run up my legs and onto my shoulder when she wanted a cuddle. With her pointy, pointy claws.
  17. Curled up, purring, on Harry’s favorite chair. Harry again traumatized.
  18. Run off with the touch pen for my surface. You might think this means it went missing and I blamed her, but you’d be wrong.
  19. Made a concerted effort to get trapped in the freezer.
  20. Turned into a furry angry glove when the tummy rubs she was getting became somehow insufficient.
  21. Attacked my foot…while I was walking past.
  22. Gotten into a fight with another cat.
  23. Gotten into a fight with a chair.
  24. Gotten into a fight with her own foot. It went something like this: “What’s this thing? I must bite it!” “Aaaargh something bit me, I will kick it in the face!” “Something kicked me! Bite!”
  25. Hidden inside my duvet cover.
  26. Shed enough fur to make a second evil cat who is also the Devil.

And is now curled up into a tight ball next to the heater, purring contentedly. Apparently the true path to happiness is being an evil furry little terror.

Still, Harry is no longer traumatized.

harry

 

We won.

We won by one point.

We won by one point at least in part because I answered a question no one else in the room did.

We won by one point because I somehow recognized a frame from the movie The Princess Diaries 2.

Not the Princess Diaries.

No.

The Princess Diaries 2. 

A movie I apparently know so well that I got it because I recognized the emblem on the bow and arrow that Anne Hathaway’s character is wielding. Anne Hathaway was digitally removed from the frame as was the other character in the scene. Yet somehow my brain, which has in the past managed to misplace every vital item I own in one way or another (I once found my keys in the freezer), took one look at this chopped up movie frame and went ‘you know this!’.

When I turned out to be right, there was much laughing at my expense…and someone put forth the idea that we would now probably win by one point, and it would be down to my in depth knowledge of obscure Anne Hathaway fronted comedies. I said that if that happened we should all yell out “PRINCESS DIARIES 2 MOTHERFUCKERS!”

And then we won by one point. I couldn’t have written it better.

I’ve been asked more than once how much I make up for this blog, but the honest answer is that I just don’t have to make things up, because strange things just keep happening. I just write them down.

Here’s the movie frame in question, with everyone left in the picture:

3-the-princess-diaries-2-33425684-485-389

Wait…is that Chris Pine?

 

And since I’ve decided to own this, one more time for the cheap seats:

 

PRINCESS DIARIES 2 MOTHERFUCKERS!